Tonight I held you a little bit longer and didn’t rush through our bed time routine, something I can be guilty of. Your little legs dangled off my body, and I wondered when you go so big and why time is racing away from us. I know there were times when I wished you were older, I am sure you remember those too…it was the time when I had little patience for your night wakings or sleep fighting shenanigans. And here I am longing to hold my little baby again, while you peacefully slumber upstairs.
I no longer am in a rush for you to leave our room, or bed. I don’t care that you still have a bottle at bedtime, or even during the night. I am not going to take you sleep crutches away or rush you to give them up. I will also not hold you back from growing or learning, sometimes I find you are more ready for the changes than I am. And that’s hard.
For now I am going to let you be.
Be little. Be a toddler. Be my baby.
For these are times I will never get back and I know I will long for the day when I felt your little toes digging in my back, or have your hand flung across my face in the middle of the night.
I wish I had been this relaxed, comfortable, confident and capable in your first year. It’s hard not to have regrets and wish I had done things differently. It’s hard not to beat myself up on shitty decisions made on little sleep while riding an emotional roller coaster of hormones gone wild. But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. I wouldn’t be the mom I am today without it.
So as I sit here watching the time count down to our first date of the evening, I can’t help but smile.
I thought I was going to have this motherhood thing colour coordinated and alphabetized. Turns out the joke is on me. But my baby, I wouldn’t have it any other way. See you soon, T-minus 20 min … Unless you are going out to prove me wrong …..again.
Be Kind to Yourself