Its so great when someone reaches back out and tells their account on motherhood.
It makes me feel less alone and a little less crazy.
With permission I am sharing her email.
The motherhood thing took me by surprise. I am a doctor and a specialist at that – I thought – there is nothing I can’t study for and conquer. Like there must be a book out there that I can read and follow and all will be brilliant. Boy was I wrong !!!!! And yes too often I would read these books and think – but it doesn’t work like that for me when I try it.
I had 2 babies with reflux (silent). My first I missed it until he was 12w. Poor little boy was burning everytime he tried to sleep. It took a nursing sister at the clinic to take a careful history for us to consider he had reflux !! I felt like such a failure as a doctor and esp a mom. With my daughter – I recognised it so much sooner but it still meant a rough ride for the first year. I thought I had had my difficult baby – she would be the easy one. Well … On Sunday (which I pretty much spent in tears) – I said to her if she had been first she would have been last. I think my son was the warm up for her. I feel aweful but, I have days where I long for my life before them back. They seem to take everything and u are left with very little self. Like you – I thank my stars for my job. Somewhere I can go where I actually do sometimes know what I’m doing and can help people feel better. And I can stop the incessant worrying and over analyzing that I do. Of course it comes with some problems like when they are sick. My daughter was sick last week and I had to leave her in the care of her nanny – not easy !! Plus I couldn’t take her to the paed (my husband had to take her) when I finally said – I can’t do this anymore. So hard having to diagnose and treat my own. So much responsibility.
Anyway – I’m ranting away here …
My kids are not easy ones. I struggle a lot with trying to do it right or at least right by them. I also have a weakness of finding myself comparing to my plight with others. This makes me so unhappy cos to the outsider – their kids/lives do seem so much easier. But unlike you – many paint pretty pictures and never tell the home truthes.